For weeks, OK maybe months, I’ve been thinking about this blog. Wondering if/when I should start writing. Why I should bother to put it all down. I realized that if I’m struggling with something, chances are that others are too. Or they’ve been there, done that, and what to help others through the rough times.

I’ve felt stuck in a rut for the last 3 years. I’m not kidding. THREE years. I felt like I was forced to give up my dream job, move away from some of the most awesome friends I’ve ever made, move back to a place that never has felt like ‘home’ to me, and go back into a job that has never felt 100% my best fit. And even less so now, I guess. The one advantage…the only good thing… about the move was that I was reunited with my husband. We didn’t have to live apart anymore. I didn’t have to be a ‘single parent’ to our young child anymore. No more missing out on milestones; no more sleepless nights filled with endless anxiety for me. THAT part has been awesome. The whole giving up my dream job and wonderful friends part has sucked. Big time.

I appreciate that I WAS able to get the job that I currently have; and I’ve made new friends, so that’s been a huge blessing too. Don’t get me wrong; I stepped into a job at the WORST possible time and somehow I’ve managed to enjoy myself at times. But I’ve also had a lot of stress and anxiety. I’m a broken record about those things. One step forward, two steps back… seems to be the dance moves of my life.

One other thing I’ve missed in the past 3 years — flexibility and time to work out. I used to drop my child off at daycare, go to work, leave work right on time, go to do my workout, pick up my child, and go back to my office to get some more work done in the evenings. When it was just the two of us, we could have supper whenever we wanted to; we didn’t have cable or internet at our home, so we spent a LOT of time at my office. But I had the chance to work out. I would walk/run on the treadmill and then sit in the outdoor hottub, which was open 365 days/year, even in the winter. I was do arm bends, squats, etc in the warm water. Sounds crazy but it really did help my muscles. And it felt SO good.

Part of being back home is that 1) it doesn’t feel like ‘home’, and 2) we live in a terrible area for walking/running/biking. Lots of train tracks and not a lot of trails or paths for riding bikes. I grew up riding my bike on the sidewalks and always felt very safe doing that. Here, you’re supposed to ride your bike on the street. The traffic FREAKS me out. So, sadly, I shy away from biking. I used to ride on the streets about 10 years ago but that was only until I could get to the trails around the lakes in Minneapolis. That made the stress of biking on streets worth it. And I’d get up VERY early so that there wouldn’t be as much traffic. That helped.

As I was debating about starting this blog, I was searching the internet and stumbled upon an App for my iphone that would log my bike rides, walks, runs, etc. As much as people may hate technology, I love it. Love it. Love anything that can make life easier and more fulfilling for me. Anyhow, I realized that if I could map out what I WANT to ride and then record what I DO ride, that might be some good motivation for me!

I also have struggled with what I’m eating and not eating. Since cutting out (OK, not completely, but definitely cutting DOWN) wheat from my diet, I find myself overeating other types of food. I’m just stuck for ideas of what to eat, how much to eat, when to eat, etc. I found a website to tell me how many calories I SHOULD be eating… and how I can switch up the number of calories that I eat each day to help my body burn more calories. Well, I finally feel like THAT is some sort of ‘mental map’ for me to work with! Now I just need to start tracking calories (the best that I can) to figure out what I can eat/how much in order to stay in that calorie range. FINALLY, some direction! Will it work?

Only time will tell.

Which, by the way, is why I keep going back to my job, year after year. No two days are ever the same so while I can feel like a complete failure one day… the next day may have me laughing and enjoying myself so much that I can’t believe I get paid for this.